Having begun recommending some restaurants and bars in Jerusalem, I went off on a brief tangent outlining some differences between bars in Ireland and “Irish” bars in Israel.
Having put together a short checklist, I figured it would be worth its own post. So here it is, for your (hopeful) amusement.
As the punctuation might make clear, I’m not a fan of most Irish-imitation bars in Israel and only recommend one Irish bar in the country to anybody that asks: Molly Bloom’s on HaYarkon St. in Tel Aviv.
As a courtesy to all operators of bad Irish bars in Israel (and for a bit of satire) I jotted down the following table which should give some guidance as to how to create a more authentic Irish bar experience.
Without further a-do:
?? Irish “Irish” Bars vs. ?? Israeli “Irish” Bars: A Comparison
| Aspect | ?? Real Irish bar | ?? Fake/Israeli Irish bar |
| Menu | Alcohol is the center of the menu and establishment. Food is the accompaniment. | Food and snacks are at the center of the menu. Alcohol is the accompaniment. |
| Service | One proceeds to the bar and shouts an order to the barman or barwoman. After waiting for a period, one then takes one’s drinks and uses one’s innate power of locomotion to take oneself, and oneself’s drink to a vacant table (or one drinks at the bar) | One is immediately accosted by a “server” who may or may not be interested in serving one depending on the mood / hormonal state of said server. The server then inserts him or her-self as an unnecessary intermediary between one’s good self and the bar staff — and the wonderful fluids they dispense. But seriously — why is waiter service required at a bar? |
| Music | Omer Adam and Moshe Peretz’s delightful “Irish” hit “She Only Wants to Dance” is placed on a decade-long loop. It’s played loud enough that you can hear it from anywhere within a 200 meter radius of the bar — because, you know, it’s so quintessentially “Irish”. | Thankfully, nobody has ever heard of Omer Adam, Moshe Perets, or their summertime smash hit “Rak Rotsa Lirkod” |
| Tipping | One does not have to tip for one’s “service”. Given that the staff are paid at least the national minimum wage, one also doesn’t need to feel guilty about this. | When the cheque for one’s night at the bar arrives, it will come emblazoned with the following letters, usually in bold and with an underscore for added effect: “DOES NOT INCLUDE SERVICE”. One is expected to add 10 to 15% of the price of one’s tab for the privilege of having had one’s (overpriced) (almost) pints of beer shuffled between the bar and one’s seating area. |
| Price | An average bar’s menu for a chetzi (500ml measure) begins at €8 | The most expensive pint in the country costs €8 (30 NIS at today’s rate). |
| Serving measures | Drinkers almost always buy a “pint”, which is a 568ml ml measur | —A normal beer is a “slish” (third: 330ml). — A “pint” is either a “chetzi” (half: 500ml) or (worse yet!) an American pint (473ml). |
| Chasers | Pints often come with a free “chaser”, which is a slightly smaller shot measure than a shot | Nobody has ever heard of a “chaser” |
| Freebies | Barmen sometimes get drunk and pour customers’ free rounds of chasers | Barstaff have the business acuity to know that doing this would be a slippery slope ending in the bar’s bankruptcy |
| Techniques | Nobody knows how to pour a proper pint of stout. | Every barman knows how to pour a proper pint of stout. |
| Nature | The bar is a place for drinking and socializing | The bar is a mix between a bar, a restaurant, and a teenage nightclub blaring Rak Rotsa Lirkod on repeat |
| Sports | Always shows: major rugby tournaments including the Rugby World Cup and the Six Nations; GAA matches. | Always shows Beitar Jerusalem games. Has never heard of the Six Nations or the GAA. |
| Decoration | Those cool lights advertising bars. And bar flags. | What’s a bar flag? |
